Wednesday, October 29, 2008

And Then...

...my legs went, "Faloomp."  I swear.  And I'll explain in a bit.

First of all, I'm such a fuckhead, it isn't even funny.  I read something earlier today and it so enraged me that it consumed my thoughts for a good hour and a half today.  I mean, it was so full of hatred, bigotry, and prejudice that it made me sick.  So I fumed.

Yeah, I know.  Obsess much there, Amy?

So, after reading and then venting to a group of online (and a couple real-life) friends, I started to feel better.  And not just about the thing I read, but also about everything that's been bothering me lately.  Can't honestly say that I'm 'better' but I think I'm going to be okay.  Who knew that anger could be so cleansing?

Well, actually, I DID know that, a good yell always makes me feel better.  LOL

Anyway, I had to stop at the grocery store on my way home for some things and found myself thinking about it all again.

And that's when it happened.

Yes Miss D, then my legs went 'falooomp'.  And you know, I wear bright freaking orange sneakers, you'd think I'd SEE those size 10 rockets down at the bottom of my legs.  But noooooo, I can't be that observant.  I have to trip over the damn things RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SELF CHECKS!  LOL  Oh well.  They know me there.  Not like it's the first time. 

But on the bright side, I got home today and discovered the cute card my dear friend Robin sent me had arrived.  And ya know what?  It's just as cute as she said!  Thanks babe!

~TCL

To God: From the Dog

From your friendly, neighborhood heathen, but I couldn’t resist.  Just too much truth in all of it.

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG



Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?


Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?


Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?


Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?


Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, c lickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?


Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.


Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

_________________________________
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.


1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.


2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.


3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.


4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.


5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff..


6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.


7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.


8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .


9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.


11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.


12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Stupid Office Equipment

Yeah, you heard me, The Self-Proclaimed Queen of the Office Supply Stores, I have stupid office equipment.

I mean, really.  I have a defective stapler.  Dumb thing keeps stapling the wrong pages together.

I know!  Right?

*sighs*

However, they keep hinting that it might be my fault.  I say PHOOEY ON YOUEY!

~The Crazy Stapler Lady (wishing J was here to read this suddenly)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Errr... almost.  LOL

And Blake's taken a temporary vacation.  He'll be back soon, I promise.  LOL

The only bitch I have is that I lost all my fun sidebar stuff.  GRRR... Oh wells.  I'll have to fix them again later. 

~TCL

(who, by the way, changed Ali's layout as well... it's here.)

Kids, Carrie, and NKOTB

So, at this point, most of you know that I have two kids.  Two girls, 6 and 8.  And I love my kids, they are the light of my life and 99.9% of the time, they are GOOD KIDS.  I have no real complaints about them.  They do well in school, they listen, they behave.  That said, they are still a handful.  Even good, helpful kids are a lot of work.

My girls love to watch Jon and Kate + 8.  And if you’re not in the know as far as that show goes, Jon and Kate got married, got pregnant, and had twins.  A couple years later, they decided they wanted one more and wound up with sextuplets.  EEEK!  But okay, I understand that.  I think they had fertility treatments both times, but I could be wrong there.

And as much fun as it is to watch that show, it’s also nice for us normal parents to know that we’re not alone when we lose it completely. LOL  Well, now TLC has started a new show featuring the Duggars.  You know, that couple with the 17 kids?  And one more on the way?

Now THAT disturbs me.  I mean, how do you do that financially?  My husband and I both have good jobs and make decent money and yet, we still struggle.  I know Jon & Kate get help from their church, their community, etc, but they didn’t do this intentionally.  There’s was more like a major OOOOPS.  LOL  I mean, when is enough enough?  When do you finally step up and say, “We can’t do this anymore?”  And my gods… how do they keep their sanity?  I swear, I wanted to lock BOTH of mine in a closet this weekend and not because they were bad… they just would NOT STOP TALKING!  LOL

Any thoughts?

Okay, I just had to add this one little bit… on my way into work this morning, I was actually listening to the regular radio, not something I normally do.  However, one of our local stations was talking to Carrie Underwood, so I thought I’d listen.  I’m not a huge Carrie fan, but what the heck, right?  Well, near the end of the interview, she mentioned she was going to a New Kids on the Block concert.  I about died laughing.  Is Carrie even OLD enough to be a New Kids fan?  My gods… 

Although, I have to admit, there’s something rather amusing about driving down Las Vegas Boulevard, aka The Strip, blasting “Last Name” and rocking out at 7 AM.

Oh oh oh oh oh… You got it, the right stuff…

Friday, October 24, 2008

Ahh… It’s a GOOD DAY

Yeah, I know… after that post I made yesterday… LOL  Sorry about that.  I have my mood swings.

Anyway, when I got home yesterday, I discovered I had two books on my wish list at PaperbackSwap that had become available.  The first is Moongazer by Marianne Mancusi.  The other is The Tightwad Gazette II by Amy Dacyczyn.  I’m pretty excited and will most likely post more about them on my book blog so that I don’t bore the non-readers out there.

But what has me most excited?  This:

Are you laughing yet, because I am!  Well, actually, I’m giggling like a little girl, truth be told.  See, this was my VERY favorite cartoon as a kid and once the DVD’s were released in 2004, they’ve not been re-released so finding them is nothing short of a miracle.  Well, unless you want to play about $100 per set.  And um, well… I can’t afford that.  So, that’s where SwapaDVD comes in and makes me very, very happy.   

So, anyway… I highly recommend PaperbackSwap, SwapaCD, and SwapaDVD.  Pssst… and shameless plug here… if you decide to join… tell ‘em asphaltcowgrrl@yahoo.com referred you.  *G* 

~Your rather stoked Crazy Lady singing… “They fight for freedom wherever there’s trouble.  G. I. Joe is theeeeeeeeeeerrre…”

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Had it

Yup.  I’m done.

Pissed off a co-worker because I couldn’t get him what he needed because I don’t know where it is.  Why don’t I know where it is?  Because no one will show me, they just tell me I don’t need to know or reply with, “I’ll get it for you.”  God forbid I ever actually NEED this information in the future. 

However, said co-worker didn’t want to hear any of this.  WTFever.

!cid_X_MA1_1224737254@aol

Yeah, what the avatar said.  Not ever found anything quite so close to the truth as that.  This past week or so, I’ve given up on trying so hard.  I bust my ass in everything I do and I get nowhere.  I pretend to be happy and exuberant because it’s what’s expected of me.  Does anyone care the toll it takes on me to put on such a show?  Of course not.  They just come down on me that much harder when I can’t put on my happy face any longer. 

!cid_X_MA1_1224737551@aol

But I digress.  I didn’t mean to get on a self-pity kick, I was just needing to vent about something I had no control over.  I don’t understand why I’m always expected to have the answer to every single question.  I really, honestly don’t.  But I am.  And it sucks because I get no bonus by having the answers and get nothing but heartache when I don’t.  How fair is that?

I need a life.  And I honestly wish I had someone to talk to.  Poor Zan gets his ear bent entirely too often.  He’s a good sport about it, but still.  He can only take so much.  And I love him too much to drive him away with my whining.  LOL

Ah, well… such is life, right?  I’ll get past it, I always do.

~A distraught and despondent Crazy Lady

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

50 Odd Things

Yeah... more avoidance therapy.  So sue me.

1. Do you like blue cheese?  Yes'm!

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?    UM HELL NO

3. Do you own a gun? No, but Ali does.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?  Don't normally drink soda, but I will make an exception for their cherry limeade!

5. Do you get nervous before doctor's appointments? Not usually.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?  Yummy!

7. Favorite Christmas Song.   It's a tie - Little Drummer Boy and Leroy the Redneck Reindeer

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Tequila.

9. Can you do push ups?   Yuppers.  Ali is better though.

10. Do you believe in God, Jesus and the holy spirit?    Yes, but I also believe that He is not the only One.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry you wear?  My wedding rings and my pentacle set with a traitorous moonstone.

12. Favorite hobby?  Heh.  Heh.  Heh...

13. Do you work with people who idolize you?   Not freaking likely.  Can't even get them to turn the A/C down!  LOL

14. Do you have A.D.D.?   No.  Yes.  Wait, let me... HEY!  Look, a bookstore!

15. What's one trait that you hate about yourself?  Lack of confidence and self esteem.

16. Middle name?  Suzanne

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.  My feet are cold.  I think Ali needs to do this too.  I wonder where I put those Reese's Pieces I hid from Zan and Mika...

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Iced mocha, Diet Mt. Dew, and a little more time...

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, water, and tequila..

20. Current worry right now?   Zan's health.

21. Current hate right now?  I try not to hate anything, but Zan's diabetes right now is getting close... LOL

22. Favorite place to be?  With my children and family

23. How did you bring in the New Year? Huh?  You expect me to be UP at that time of night?

24. Where would you like to go?  Gimme a ticket anywhere but here...

25. Name three people who will complete this.  No eye deer.

26.  Whose answer do you want to read the most?  I want to read everyone's

27. What color shirt are you wearing?   Green since Ali has invaded my brain...

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?   Depends who's sleeping with me.. (that was Ali's influence, not mine!)

29. Can you whistle? Yes

30. Favorite color(s)? Blue, green and purple

31. Would you be a pirate?    Nah

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?  Whatever is on the radio

33. Favorite girl's name?  Allyson (that WAS me)

34. Favorite boy's name?  Dakotah (surprised it wasn't Blake?)

35. What's in your pocket right now?   Lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh?  Zan and his buddies playing video games

37. Best bed sheets as a child?  Holly Hobbie!

38. Worst injury you've ever had?  Broken nose.

39. Do you love where you live?  It's a nice little place...

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?   2

41. Who is your loudest friend?   Sarah

42. How many dogs do you have?  None unless you count the stuffed ones.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?  God help them if they do.

44. What is your favorite food?   Berries

45. What is your favorite snack food?  Popcorn.

46. What is your favorite candy?   Plain ol' regular M&M's.

47. What is your favorite sports team?  Chicago Cubs!  For better or for worse!

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?  T-R-O-U-B-L-E by Travis Tritt

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?  Sleeping, duh!

50. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?   What the hell was with that dream anyway?

Blogathon and Avoidance Therapy

Way back in early October, I had posted the first three chapters of Code Red 2 on Mika’s Blog.  Then I went on vacation.  And then I didn’t blog… LOL

So, anyway… I got a few more chapters up, some of which are new (to tie things together better).  There’s also a new short up there that was inspired by a conversation my best friend and I had on our drive home from Tombstone, while the kids were sound asleep. LOL  It’s an extremely emotional and personal piece, and I almost didn’t post it.  But there it is, for better or worse.  Not going to actively share it ANYWHERE simply for that reason.  If you stumble upon it, great.  If not?  No big deal.  It’s a bit of healing for my soul, nothing more, nothing less.

And now you’re probably wondering why all the blogging, right?  Well, I’m using it as avoidance therapy.  Concentrating on my writing and avoiding everything else. LOL  Not very healthy, I know, but I don’t know what else to do at the moment.  I mean, seriously… what do I do?  I’m bored to death with everything that ever once brought me happiness.  My Yahoo groups, PSP, reading… none of it is doing a thing to lift my mood or make me happy.  About the only thing that hasn’t failed me lately has been my writing.  I’m guessing that’s a good thing because it was always my salvation in my time of need.

With that in mind, working through whatever has recently come over me since Sasha’s death has been more difficult.  I’m sure that if I forced myself to get back in and be involved with things, I’d heal faster, but I just can’t find the strength or motivation.  I’ll pull through eventually, I always do.  Don’t have any choice, really – too many people depending on me these days to do otherwise.  So, until then, I’ll keep writing and blogging my little fingers off because, well, blogging is just online journaling and journaling is good, right?

Hell, who knows?  LOL

~TCL, Knee-deep in Ali’s messed-up love life

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Okay, Where Can I Get One?

Zi081021

Nighttime Debates

...aren't what they used to be.

Last night, I dreamt that our 'representative' was speaking to one of the Presidential candidates and asked, "Yes, but do you know where the water heater is?"

Ummmmmm... I think I seriously need to get out of the plumbing business.

~TCL

Monday, October 20, 2008

Barefoot Mommy Reviews

Come check out this new blog (http://barefoot-mommy.blogspot.com/) where Krissy reviews products, finds freebies, and has lots and lots of giveaways.  Go check her out and give her some lurve!  She's just starting out and would love your support.

~TCL

Song of the Day ~ What I Need to Do

Normally, I’d post this on my music blog, but today, I feel like putting it up here.  I can’t help but think this is just how I’m feeling today.

What I Need To Do :
(Bill Luther/Tom Damphier)
I keep tellin' myself this is the right thing to do
I was wastin' her time, waitin' on dreams that just weren't comin' true
And this old highway seems to understand
Leadin' me on to somewhere that no one knows my name
I got the window rolled down, I got the radio up
I'm doin' all that I can to get my mind off us
What I need to do is turn this car around
Drive as fast as I can 'til I see the lights of our hometown
And run to her, take her in my arms
Make her see how sorry I am, well that shouldn't be so hard
But I drive on, and on, and on
Eighty-seven more miles gets me into Baton Rogue
There's a buddy of mine who says he might find some work that I can do
Or maybe head up north to Knoxville, Tennessee
I know my baby sister, has got a couch where I can sleep
Now the sun's goin' down on my broken heart
Lord, I gotta get back before I get too far
What I need to do is turn this car around
Drive as fast as I can 'til I see the lights of our hometown
And run to her, take her in my arms
Make her see how sorry I am, well that shouldn't be so hard
But I drive on
Yes I drive on, and on, and on
Knowin' what I need to do
Girl, I'm comin' home to you
Knowin' what I need to do
Girl I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you
Knowin' what I need to do

Sunday, October 19, 2008

AAAAAAAAAAAH! (aka Blake & Miranda)

Okay, let me say two things before I go any farther:

#1: I'm so ticked I didn't take my camera!  Said on the website no recording equipment (which 99.9% of the time includes digital cameras and I've had them check cameras before) but no one was even LOOKING!  GRRRRR!

#2: When Blake came out and said, "I'm not gonna lie, I've been drinking." I think he was understating  he laughed at some point during darn near every song he sang.  LOL  But that's why I lurve him so much.

Due to a series of unfortunate events (LOL), I wound up going to the concert with a co-worker's wife.  I like D, she's a great lady, so I was looking forward to it.  The only thing I wasn't looking for was the 45-minute drive to get to the venue.  We arrived with about an hour before the show started. We got a drink, bought a shirt and got our seats.

MirandaLambert1

So, Miss Miranda came out first.  Started her set off with "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" and rocked out from there.  She played for about 30 minutes before asking us if we wanted to see her 'cute boyfriend Blake Shelton'.  Ummmm... DUH!  Why'd ya think I was here, blondie?  LOL

I have to say this much however, I was really impressed with her.  This was my first time seeing Miranda and I was worried  darn near every time I've seen her perform on TV - for whatever reason - she's sounded like crap. Don't know if it was nerves or what.  But, last night, she sounded amazing!  She's as bad as Eddie Montgomery however and doesn't stand still for two seconds. LOL

home_02-x600 Next, it was time for my man.  Yeaaah...  This was my fourth time seeing Blake, so I sorta knew what to expect from his show.  However, you never really know what to expect out of HIM.  I couldn't even tell you what he started his set off with... how bad is that?  However, he put on his typically amazing show, laced with lots of humor and great music.  He really knows how to work a crowd.  To start his set off, he appears at the top of the stage, at the head of a set of stairs.  "I'm not gonna lie to you, I'll tell you the truth.  I've been drinking tonight.  And I'm gonna walk my big a$$ down these stairs and by the time I get to the bottom, ya'll better be raisin' hell."  LOL  Which reminds me, he started off with "The More I Drink".  See?  I'm not that bad!

80678666_10-x600At the end of his set, he 'asked' us if he could bring Miranda back out and do a small acoustic set.  They'd wanted to make this a part of the show because, as Blake said, "This is what we do at home, sitting around the campfire.  That and making out, but we're not gonna do that here."  Good thing, too.  I promised Zan I wouldn't get arrested.  LOL  So, she starts off with her newest single, "More Like Her".  Of all the songs on her "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" album, I think I probably like this one the least, but she really did it justice last night acoustically.  Sounded better than the CD!  Blake then went into one of MY favorite songs, noting it as Miranda's favorite as well - "Don't Make Me".  For the finale, they performed a Conway Twitty/Loretta Lynn duet, "Feelins". 

SHNS_MusicBeat02_5a_eMiranda returned after that for her second and final set.  She finished up with "Kerosene" one of my favorites of hers.  She did a great job of including all her hits - "Kerosene", "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend", "Gunpowder and Lead", "Me and Charlie Talkin'", "Famous in a Small Town" as well as a few off her latest album ("Desperation") and her first as well ("Bring Me Down").  Mixed all that up with a few older cover songs ("Cripple Creek" and "Stay With Me") and a lot of high energy.  You can tell she has a great relationship with her band and it really shows in their stage show.

BLAKE SHELTON 2007_0610-0051Blake returned to the stage for his final set next.  He as well did a great job of stuffing all his hits into such a short show.  "Austin", "The Baby", "Some Beach", and my *cough* personal favorite, "Playboys of the Southwestern World" were among the few of his best.  He also included his newest single. "She Wouldn't Be Gone" as well.  Love that song!  (Note to Shana: He did Playboys and SWBG back-to-back, just for you)  Blake wound up his final set, but since he hadn't performed "Home", I knew he'd be back out.  And sure enough, there he comes... with Miranda in tow.  They did a beautiful version of the song, but I still had to laugh.  He was perched on a stool; she stood beside him.  He was still taller.  LMAO!

Blake_Camo_GuitarBlake switches out guitars and then starts harassing his roadie.  "Hey you, what did you just say to me?  Yeah, you!  What's your name?" And so it goes... he gets the roadie up there to talk and then Blake calls him on the carpet - tells the audience that the roadie handed him his guitar and said, "Anyone can do this."  So, Blake gives him a guitar and lets him go.  Blake has his guitar player start 'the easiest song he knows' and the guy - Mark - starts with "The Joker" and moves into "Angel of the Morning".  The majority of the time, Blake's sitting on the drum riser, looking aggravated and despondent.  Finally, he's had enough - he takes his guitar away and stomps off stage.  I'm dying laughing at this point - not ever seen anything like this at a Blake concert, but it so didn't surprise me.  He eventually comes back out onto stage and then I really WAS shocked - his guitarist goes into the opening notes of The J. Geils Band's "Centerfold"!  Oh.  Mah.  Gawd!  LOL  Blake is proud of saying he's stuck in the 80's but I think that song is older than Miranda! 

lambertAs Blake's finishing up his rockin' countrified version of "Centerfold", Miranda struts back out onto stage and points him to the stairs, making him sit and watch her as she launches into a very well-done version of Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'N' Roll".  Now, I have tears in my eyes because Blake is playing the petulant little boy, rolling his eyes, making faces, what have you, while Miranda performs.  Once she finishes, he stands up and says, "Can we do something together that doesn't make me look like a complete moron?"  She looks (way) up at him as says, "What do you mean by 'something'?"  He looks desperately over his shoulder at his band and whimpers, "Just play something.  Please?  Just play something!"  LOL  Awww, poor Blake!  The start into a really rocking number that I didn't recognize, but was a great way to end the show.

Again, I'm really, really impressed with Miranda's performance.  Her voice was strong and clear all night.  Blake not only held to the standard I have for him, but surpassed it with his humor and goofiness.  But then, I'm just a *tad* bit partial on this subject.  LOL  I have to say though that, even if you only like one or the other, if you have a chance to see the two of them together, it's really worth it! 

D and I headed back into town after the show and met up with her husband at IHOP for breakfast.  Mmm... pumpkin pancakes. LOL  Got home and crashed.  It was five hours past my bedtime by that point!  Yeah, I know, I'm sad aren't I?

This can't be good...

~Your Crazy Blake-Addicted Lady after her yearly dose of Pure BS            

Saturday, October 18, 2008

To Better Days

74249593

So, after much frustration and hassle (and more than a few tears), I get to go to my concert tonight after all.  I'm so excited, I love my Blake like you wouldn't believe, but I'm also so very disappointed that Zan can't come along with me.  I know that I will have a blast with the lady I am going with - she cracks me up every time I talk to her - but I think you know what I mean.  Sometimes the best things are those shared with your honey.

Blake_Camo_Guitar

I'm totally stoked for more than one reason about this concert.  I found out recently that he and Miranda Lambert are only doing a few of these shows, and I get to go to one!  LOL  I can see those of you who know me out there laughing.  Yeah, so, I DO like her music.  Often think her attitude needs adjusting, but I try not to let things like that get in the way of the important stuff - the MUSIC!  And I'm also looking forward to hearing some of the new stuff off Blake's upcoming CD, Starting Fires, due out November 21st, I believe.  Miranda's next CD won't be out until next year some time.  (Hey Joolz, didja notice the camo guitar???)

 sheltySo, I will leave you for now since I can hear my children thundering down the stairs.  I swear, I never dreamed that a 40lb child could be so LOUD on the stairs!  Can't take my camera because it says 'no recording equipment' and since most digital cameras these days take videos... *sigh*  So, you'll have to make due with whatever pics I can find on the 'net of my baby.  Although, I think this one here says it all. LOL  Gotta love a man who isn't afraid to make a fool of himself.  :)

Have a good weekend, I think that I might finally be able to.

~The Crazy Blakey Lady

Friday, October 17, 2008

Send the Hate Mail

HERE.  What's that?  The link's broken?  Ohhhhh nooooo... Can't complain then.  LOL  And just so you can see how lame I am, I bolded and italicized my favorites. LOL

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt.  The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest.  The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.

A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

An old lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A scraggly old drunk staggers over, takes one look, and says, "Jeeeez, that's the UGLIEST thing I ever saw!" The woman turns her nose up at him and says, "This happens to be a stately creature! Go away, you horrid man!" The old drunk yells, "Lady, I was talkin' to the duck!"

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?"  The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender  says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it."  He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish  says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

(This joke never gets old)

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."

A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa?

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A Newfie walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear.  The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"

Rough Week

Well, I knew it was going to be a long week when it started.  I came home Sunday afternoon after being gone for four days, that’s always a sure sign that things are going to be out of order.  I was pleasantly surprised when I came home to find the house clean and the laundry done!  Although, Zan admits that Princess showed him how. LOL

With Zan’s looming surgery, I knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle the concert on Saturday so I had asked my sister.  Yesterday afternoon, she sends me an e-mail telling me she can’t make it.  I had no one else to go with and was extremely sad to know that I wasn’t going to get to see my Blake.  However, my luck turned around and one of my co-workers talked to his wife and she’ll be going with me.  Yay!  I do like her and we are a lot alike, so it should be fun.

To make things worse, last night/this morning, around 12:30, Zan comes to bed and tells me that Sasha, my dwarf hamster, is acting strange.  I go downstairs and find her huddled on the floor of her cage.  I take her out and hold her and she starts shaking and kicking out one of her front legs.  I sat and held her for a long time.  I knew she was dying. 

I put her back into her cage and tried to make her as comfortable as possible.  After, I went back to bed and laid there, crying, most of the night.  This morning, when I got up, she was gone.  The girls took it well, but hard.  They loved our little Sashy Pants as much as I did.  Mischief is already asking if we can have another.  LOL

I feel horrible, but poor Sasha has been sick for awhile.  She had a recurring issue with her pouch getting impacted.  On our second trip to the vet, he discovered a tumor.  I knew it was only a matter of time then.  So, we loved on her as much as possible and did what we could.  I hope she can say she was loved and had a good life. 

The only good news this week is that Zan is recovering well from his surgery yesterday.  The doctor said he was doing well and we didn’t spend more than a few hours at the hospital.  He goes back on Wednesday for a check-up and hopefully all is well.  No pictures to document the process since he wouldn’t let me near him with the camera yesterday. LOL  But, I do have a couple of my little furry baby to share in memory.

Sasha_23

Sasha_s

Monday, October 13, 2008

Arizona Trip, Day 4, Going Home

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So, Sunday morning I said good-bye to my best friend and my second set of parents. I've known this family for over 20 years and they have always made me feel more than welcome and have loved me like I was a part of their family, not just their daughter's friend. That is something special there.

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So, we had breakfast at IHOP and I had the most YUMMY pumpkin pancakes! My gods, they were good! And then I was off to the airport. My flight home was good, and I found Zan cruising across the baggage claim almost before I got to the carousel. It was so nice to be home again!

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He and I went home, did our grocery shopping, had some lunch, and then made the trek across the city to retrieve our children. If you read my post about Selfish People, you'll know why. If not, let's just say that they'd gone to my nephew's birthday party.

All in all, it was an amazing trip, full of fun and laughs. And rain. And wind... LOL I really can't wait to go back, but it won't be any time soon.

Thanks if you made it this far!

~TCL

Arizona Trip Day 3

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Saturday morning we got up much too early... Tombstone didn't open until about 10:00. LOL How eerie is this? Looks like a real ghost town, doesn't it?

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We walked around for a bit and then had breakfast at the O. K. Cafe. Great breakfast too! Then, we went back to finish up our souvenir shopping and head to Boot Hill Cemetery.

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Boot Hill was amazingly beautiful. And considering that it was a dark, grey, cloudy day, I was a bit creeped out. Cemeteries don't normally bother me, but then, I've never been in one so old. I honestly felt like there was a hand on my shoulder guiding my way. And then it began to rain and it all felt right. Crazy, huh?

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And then we were going home. Not far out of Benson, we were stopped by the Border Patrol. The nice, cute officer sticks his head in and says, "Good morning, ladies." We all respond and he continues, "So, are we all fine American citizens in here?" Now, mind you, both my friend and her daughter are pale blondes. Shine and I are darker, but still pretty fair skinned considering. We answer in the affirmative, but as Shana is rolling up her window, Blondie shouts, "But Mom, we coulda lied about that!" LOL I've never seen my friend roll her window up so fast!

Upon arriving home, we foisted the girls off on Shine's mother for the night. Half joking, I told Shana and her parents that I wanted to visit an Indian casino. Having spent most of my life in Las Vegas, it was an odd obsession for me. We went to the Casino Arizona McKellips location. Very nice, just like a Vegas casino, although not nearly as smoky inside. Had a great dinner of a Native Taco - taco toppings piled onto fry bread. Yummy!

Day 3 ended with a margarita and a long talk with my very best friend. It doesn't get any better than that, does it?

Arizona Trip Day 2 Part 2

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From a writer's standpoint, one of the neatest things I saw was the Epitaph office - Tombstone's newspaper. Absolutely amazing how the machines and such worked back then. And as to why the paper was named what it was? What does every Tombstone need other than an Epitaph?

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In addition to the Historama, we got to go back and look at the museum in the O. K. Corral. In it was an old outhouse, a mock up of what Doc Holliday's room had looked like, a mechanical reenactment of the shootout, and just a ton of information on anything and everything you could imagine about the town.

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Probably the most memorable part of the trip was the Haunted Tour. Here, you went through different rooms guided by the ghost of Doc Holliday. Each room had some sort of something to freak you out. One was arrows (a blast of air and a loud noise, one was bullets, another was Doc sneezing. In the last room, we were above a 'mine shaft' and the floor fell about an inch. Shine decided she'd had enough and said, "I'm out of here!" only to walk out and see the guy above. She SCREAMED. LOL

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Finally, it was time for the shootout. It started up on Allen Street, and took you all the way down to the O. K. Corral. The actors did an amazing job and really drew you in. The actual gunfight took place in the O. K. Corral stage area where they put on a little show that culminated in the shootout. The actual shootout didn't take place in the O. K. Corral, but beside it.

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The actual gunfight took place between the wall that this plaque stood before and Fremont Street. But, for the sake of ease, they portrayed it on a stage. The gentleman above, playing Doc Holliday was excellent. He had it down. So did all the others - it was very convincing and realistic. Afterwards, you had the chance to go down to Big Nose Kate's Saloon and interact with the characters. The girls weren't up to it, so we went back to the hotel room.

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Eventually, we decided to drive to Bisbee, AZ, about 28 miles west, to see what kind of food we could find. Halfway there, we get caught in a downpour. A torrential downpour at that. Rain, wind, hail, lighting, running javelinas, you name it. LOL By the time we got to Bisbee, the entire town had shut down for the night. Apparently there is no food in Bisbee.

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So, we turned around and drove BACK into Tombstone and got dinner at Morgan's Pizza. While the pizza was cooking, we made a mad dash for Circle K for drinks and candy. There, we found the Tombstone Marshal and his dirty patrol car. The marshal was nice, even smiled at me. We ran back, got our pizza and conked out in the hotel room. What a long but exciting day!

Arizona Trip Day 2

Okay, so I want to get this all down before I forget, but at least you don't have to read it all at once. LOL

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Friday morning we got up nice and early, intent to be on the road as soon as possible.  To our credit, we were only about 30 minutes behind schedule.  We stopped for breakfast at Cracker Barrel in Casa Grande, AZ.  The picture above is of a bird's nest in a saguaro cactus.  That must be one careful bird!

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Breakfast was yummy and we were soon back on the road.  As you all know, I love animals - cows especially - so I had my eyes peeled for anything mooing.  What I found was the picture above.  Shana actually turned the car around so we could go back and take a picture of this bizarre sign.  I mean, really.  114 miles?  Not 110 or even 115? 

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Came across lots of animals before we finally hit Tombstone.  This little guy looked right up at me when I called to him.  He shared a yard with two horses and a goat. 

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Obviously, people must get lost a lot.  But no fear, Wyatt Earp will hold your hand and make sure you make it safely!  We arrived at our hotel at around 11:30 or so Friday morning. 

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One of the first things we did was get our tickets for the reenactment of the infamous shootout.  With that, we got to go to the Historama and watch a narrated version of the History of Tombstone.  The most fascinating thing I discovered was how Tombstone got it's name.  From the Tombstone City Website: When Ed Schieffelin (SHEF·e·lin) came to Camp Huachuca (hwah·CHEW·kuh) with a party of soldiers and left the fort to prospect, his comrades told him that he'd find his tombstone rather than silver. Thus, in 1877 Schieffelin named his first claim the Tombstone, and rumors of rich strikes made a boomtown of the settlement that adopted this name.  Cool, huh?

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We walked through Tombstone and did some shopping and some sight seeing.  The girls wanted to desperately ride in one of the stagecoaches we kept seeing everywhere, so we finally gave in and did so.  I'm so glad we did.  They take you around the town, telling you the history of the buildings and pointing out things of interest, like Wyatt Earp's former home and the gallows still visible in the town.

I'll continue again later on.  This is getting a bit long.  LOL

Arizona Trip Day 1

I'll do this in bits and pieces so that I don't bore you to pieces... LOL

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I flew out Thursday morning at 9:00 AM.  I arrived in Phoenix just after 10:00 AM.  My BFF Shana picked me up and took me immediately to the nearest Starbucks. LOL Actually, that's not quite true - she dropped Blondie, her daughter, off at her BFF's house, Shine and then we dropped Taco the Turtle off with his babysitter. 

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We hung out at the house for a bit before the girls called crying that they were bored.  After much teasing of the children, we all went to Best Buy to procure a mouse for Shana's new laptop and then to the mall to meander for awhile.

We ran to Subway for dinner for everyone and then watched Tombstone with Val Kilmer and Kurt Russell while drinking a few margaritas.  And honestly?  You'd have thought the kids had been drinking the tequila instead of us!  Had an early night so we could hit the road first thing in the morning for the drive to Tombstone. 

Stay tuned, if you care, for the rest of the insane adventure!  LOL

Selfish People

I need to get this off my chest before I can go and start talking about my trip to Tombstone.  So, bear with me, okay?

Saturday night, my sister and mom came to pick my kids up to spend the night.  My nephew (my sister’s son) was having a birthday party on Sunday, the day I flew back in.  The timing was all messed up (the party started at noon, I arrived at 12:40) and the party was at my ex-brother-in-law’s house, 45 minutes away from the airport.  So, my sister graciously offered to keep the kids so they could attend.  Nice of her, huh?

Anyway, the closer we got to my ex-BIL’s place, the more Zan realized that my brother and sister-in-law lived not far away.  Now, this is funnier than hell because my brother, my sister-in-law and my ex-BIL do NOT get along.  At.  All.  So, when we showed up, Zan asked my sister about this and she confirmed that they lived just around the corner.

Now, here’s the kicker – my brother and SIL REFUSED to bring my other nephew over to the party.  My mom and sister had to go get TC and BRING him to the party.  My SIL said that they wouldn’t do it because it wasn’t neutral ground.  WTF?  I mean, really.  If my SISTER, the one he WRONGED, can bury the hatchet, why the hell can’t they?  I mean seriously… At the very least, they could have driven around the damn corner and let him out and watched him walk to the doorway, but noooooo their stupid pride wouldn’t allow it. 

I don’t get it.  But who cares.  My ex-BIL has found himself a really nice new girlfriend who loves the kids, is good with them and my sister likes her.  What better recommendation could she get?

~TCL

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's a Beautiful Day for a Ball Game...

Let's play two!

Or so the famous Ernie Banks used to like to say.  I'll admit it, my Cubbies lost.  But does that make me despair?  Does it make me dislike them?  Not one bit.  Does it make me cry out my grandfather's favorite refrain of, "There goes your old ball game!"  Yup, sure does.

LOL

But, in all fairness, I am a born and bred Cubs fan, until the day I die.  Which is rather amusing because my father was a die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan all his life.  Just made for an interesting ball season is all.

I cut my teeth on Harry Caray and to this day, my favorite expression is, "Holy Cow!"  Amazing how that one simple exclamation can work it's way into your vocabulary.  However, the problems start when SOMEONE ELSE says it and I have to follow up their "Holy Cow!" with "Cubs win!  Cubs win!"  LOL  Yeah, I'm a nutcase. 

I do miss the old days though.  Watching a ball game just to hear Harry sing the seventh inning stretch.  Feigning an illness on opening day and not fooling mom one bit.  No steroid talk, no tell-all books, none of the crap you have to deal with today.  Back then, it was Wade Boggs admitting to being a sex addict and George Brett having too much pine tar on his bad.  And while on the subject of 'the good ol' days' - my favorite Cubs-related headline of all time found on the USA Today: "Cubs Beat Astros by Two Touchdowns".  I watched that game, went to spend the night with my best friend, and as we were walking into Sam's Town for her bowling league and her father pointed it out.  I have never laughed so hard in my life.  The final score on that game was something like 22-7.  GO CUBS!

And now, before I sign off, a pictorial of my favorite Cubs... Mostly from the 80's/early 90's so bear with me.

#23 Ryne Sandberg, aka Ryno (and often a Running Ryno)

#17 Mark Grace, aka Prince Markie

#31 Greg Maddux, once nicknamed Pinstripe (and then TRAITOR, but that's just me begin bitter)

#7 Jody Davis, Catcher Without a Fear (thanks Harry)

And it's OH SO TRUE, isn't it?

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I won't.  Damon Berryhill, Shawon Dunston, Ron Cey, Andre Dawson... the list just goes on forever.  I LOVE my Cubs, win or lose.  And no matter what...

Are ya bored yet?

~The Crazy Cubbie Lady

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Banking Crisis

Origami Bank folds

30 September, 2008

Following the financial crisis on Wall Street uncertainty has now hit the banking sector in Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.  Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.  While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.  A spokesman for Haiku Holdings was lost for words over the financial crisis, while according to rumors Nippon Bank was starting to feel the pinch.  Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.  Meanwhile Geisha Bank has bowed to the inevitable and shut.

One trader lamented: "It's all gone to Shiitake."

~A snickering Crazy Lady

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Diagnosis: Dermatitis

Soooo… the doctor says that Mischief’s rash is contact dermatitis.  She picked it up from contact with something else.  Umm… oooookay… we’d figured that much out, dude, any more info?

Nope. 

Good news is, he wasn’t concerned, wrote me a script for some lotion (only $7.99 – cheaper than the freaking cortisone cream I bought OTC) and sent us home with the warning that if it doesn’t start to get better in two days, to call back.

All in all, a wasted afternoon.  Well, not completely.  I did finally get a replacement card for Princess’ shot record.  Somehow, when Daddy and Grandma registered her for Kindergarten, it went amiss.  I’m thinking that either Mom didn’t give it back to him like she swears she did or Zan lost it, not realizing what it was.  Whatever.  At least I have a new one now. LOL

~TCL